Starting the inner work

I have a hard time verbally expressing my emotions, always have. Over the years I have dealt with things such as festering anger, spontaneous age regressions and punishing with withdrawal, similar to my childhood. It then leaves me feeling lonesome, scared and like a shame based little girl. As a child, I started turning to food and or purging. It was something I felt I could control the outcome of, and it numbed my pain. Today, it is still my drug of choice to numb my pain.

This is the first step in healing and forgiving myself.
As a child, my food and eating disorder became my way of protecting myself and keeping myself safe. Over the years I have expanded on my disease and have self-abused in a very harsh way. I grew up with an angry and hurt child inside of me, and that child contaminates my adult behavior. Reclaiming and championing my inner child is what I am working on today.

In healing & forgiveness, I am learning to love and accept all of the pieces of that little girl I isolated and squashed so I could be brave and fight my way through what felt scary and harmful. She deserves forgiveness and the ability to be who she dreamed of being. The adventurous, curious girl and an explorer of this interesting and beautiful world who would grow up to be strong, free and achieve amazing things.

I deserve love and acceptance from within, and these are my first steps forward in doing that. 

<3

An Introduction..

I am writing this from a very sad and hopeless state of mind.
It's been an emotional day so far, from frustration and sadness of where I am physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  How did I get here, again ? 

I am tired of fighting a disease that always seems to hold an upper hand in the blink of an eye.  I have fought through bulimia and binge eating throughout most of my life.  I know what i need to do, the inner work, which is something that always finds a way to escape me by seeking a faster route.   I fight for weight loss, not good health.  I fight for people to see me differently, not judge me by the size of my body or the skin that covers it.  I fight for every thing and every reason that caters to what "I" feel others want and need of me, or the look that others wish they saw in me.  Why do I feel I know what others 'want' to see of me I'll never know.  And when do I do this for me ? That is all that should matter.

Today, I am in tears. 

 Let me start by saying I am morbidly obese.  
Those words are so hard to say.

I am so disappointed in the fact that I am at my highest weight ever.  Yes, I know it's not about the numbers, however, these numbers are pushing me towards my death.   I have not ever been so unhealthy as I am today at this very moment.  I am frustrated, upset, sad, craving and feeling completely hopeless.

My worst issues right now are my lungs and my heart.  My heart is tired, my circulation is poor and feels like sludge is moving through my veins.  I hurt, my blood pressure is high and that coupled with my difficulty to breathe makes my days much harder right now.  I am experiencing apnea which is scary in itself, am most likely pre-diabetic as I display all of the symptoms, and I am also taking something to help open my airways when I need it, which seems to be almost daily now.  Today, it is very humid out and I feel constantly short of breath no matter what I do.

Also, I am experiencing a lot of pain.  I believe I have a sciatica injury, which is affecting my left side.  As a morbidly obese woman, injuries do not heal as they should, and the very fact that I am carrying the weight around that I am keeps the pain.  I know losing the weight would help with this and a knee injury I have tremendously, and now I find myself in a predicament that exercise causes me to wheeze and I can't catch my breath, which then forces me to stop.  Laying flat on my back helps to open my passageways, but laying on my back does not help with losing weight, unfortunately.

I am tried of being sick and tired.  All of these things ARE things that I can change.
They are things that can get better as I take better care of myself.
I cry at least once daily for fear that I may not wake up the next day.
This is no way to live.

A little about myself.  I was diagnosed bulimic at the age of 9 years old.  I use and abuse food and or purging to feel better (stress, emotions, boredom, problem solving & more..) I have gone between bingeing and purging to just bingeing most of my life,  and am riddled with body dysmorphia and low self-esteem.  I have followed many of the eating disorder norms, fad diets, over - exercising, laxatives, isolation for years, etc.   I missed out on so much of my life, my children's lives, obsessing my weight, my food, and everything else in between.  In 2011 and 2012, I lost 114 lbs.   While I was successfully losing I was not successfully healing on the inside.  I shut it down and got fanatical about the weight loss instead. Now, it is 2017 and in less than a year I have gained that and more back, and this morning weighed in at my absolute highest, 330 lbs. (yes, more than 100 lbs in less than a year, binge eating at it's finest...) It's hard on the body, it's hard on me emotionally and mentally also, and once again I feel like my spiritual self is broken.

I recognize I need help in a big way today, and I know that in order to live I have to push myself through the pain and difficulties.   I am so scared I can't even begin to describe.  I feel very vulnerable right now, sharing all of this.  It's more than I have ever shared, but I know if I am going to start this journey I need to do it right, with transparency.   So I am committing to 100% transparency.
I will share the ups and downs, different foods I make, my exercise, my goals, and the journey itself.
I am stepping outside of my comfort zone and isolation, and hoping one day this can help someone else too.
♥

My health, my brand new baby granddaughter, my beautiful children, my loving partner and my family & friends are all great reasons to finally push to help myself, however, mostly I need to do this for me.  I want to be sylvie, not defined by her weight ----  healthy,  happy, adventurous and free!
Starting from the inside out..  

Thank you for being here with me <3 

xx, 

syl.